LeBron in the Dunk Contest?

During All-Star 2009, LeBron threatened to “clean up” the Dunk Contest. He hinted that if the rules were tightened up and he talked some fellow superstars into it, he’d participate.

Here’s the thing: sure, LeBron can jump high. REALLY high. But there’s just a limit to how high people can jump. Through the legs and a variant thereof is the go-to move in the finals every year, which leads to boredom, which led to a push toward creativity, costumes, and chicanery of all sorts.

Since LeBron and his superstar competitors can only repeat the through-the-legs so many times, I’m here to bring some ideas to the table for an All-Star filled Dunk Contest.

Shaquille O’Neal: “The Richter Scale”

Shaq dunks hard. REALLY hard. How hard does he dunk? Here’s the scene:

Improbably, Shaq has made the finals by breaking the backboard before anyone else could go. He’s down to his final attempt. Out walks one of these guys with a clipboard and some scientific equipment. During the set up, Shaq announces that he wanted to quantify just how hard he dunked, so he brought out Dr. Smith of the National Geological Institute with a Richter Scale.  BOOM! Shaq slams it home and the oversized display blinks 10.0 before exploding.

(Alternative “The Big Show”: Shaq pulls down the backboard, then jumps on top for the 3-count.)
(Alternative “Child’s Play”: Shaq announces he’s going to recreate a scene from his daily life. He then dunks with several children clinging to his back and slapping his face as a referee jumps out of the crowd and calls an offensive foul.)

Carmelo Anthony: “Backboard Slap”

Dwight Howard’s 2007 sticker-slap dunk impressed me a lot (but not the judges). If anyone can top Howard’s slap, Carmelo can.

Josh Howard: “The Fine Cube”

Howard could jump over owner Mark Cuban, as David Stern runs out and fines him for being on the court.

Tim Duncan

Tim Duncan refused to participate and contribute to the NBA’s lack of an emphasis on fundamentals.

Chris Paul: “Gerald’s Ladder“

Two years ago, Gerald Green recruited a teammate to hand him the ball for a dunk. The catch, of course, was that the teammate was perched more than 10 feet off the ground on a ladder.

Rafer Alston could build on this by climbing Green’s ladder. That way he’ll be able to dunk.

Kobe Bryant: “Doin’ Work”

Kobe could jump over his entire team, making sure to kick every single one on the way up. The truly amazing part comes afterwards, where they each thank him for being such a great dunker and the announcers talk about how much his teammates love him.

LeBron James: “Stayin’ Up Here”

LeBron tapes several pages of his contract extension to the backboard, then jumps so high he has time to “X” the bottom of each one before jamming it home. This would be an awesome way to announce that he’s staying home, kicking off the Bummer of 2010.

(Alternative “Skippin’ Town”: LeBron puts on a Yankees hat, jumps over West and Williams, and lands by stomping on top of a fan holding the state flag of Ohio and the contract extension.)

So here’s hoping King James brings the Dunk Contest Crown back to the realm of the league’s very best players.