Aq’s FAQs 3: Shaq to Cleveland?


A huge, monumental, incredible trade occurred last week. Shaquille O’Neal was purchased for the low, low price of expiring contracts. What are the ramifications, you ask? That’s why I’m here. Some of fans’ burning questions about the Shaq-to-Cleveland trade.

Q: How will Mike Brown integrate Shaq into the offense?
A: He’ll think up a second play. Play 1: Stand around and watch LeBron. Play 2: Stand around and watch Shaq. He spent all of Friday working on that. See, here’s page 3 of Brown’s playbook.

Q: Will the team have to change their name?
A: Nope. They’re still the Cavaliers. “The LeBrons” was the unofficial name.

Q: What’s the record for missed free throws in a season?
A: I’m not sure, but Hack-A-Lebron + Hack-A-Shaq = a lot of missed free throws. Those guys better start practicing now or Cavs games could get ugly.

Q: How will Zydrunas Ilgauskas handle losing his playing time?
A: If he can’t win the playing time battle, it will give him a shot at winning the Twitter battle.

Q: Shaq hates floppers. What’s he going to do having Varejao as a teammate?
A: Practice.

Q: Can fans ever forgive the Suns for selling draft picks, firing D’Antoni, selling more draft picks, trading away Shawn Marion, and trading away Shaq, all while being ohsoclose to winning a few titles and ushering in the Seven Seconds or Less era?
A: No.

So there you have it: Shaq to the Cavs and Shaq away from the Suns. I’m sure there were some other players involved, but they don’t matter. If you have a real question you want included in a future Aq FAQ, please leave a comment.

Matt Rogers - Bio coming soon.

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