During a post-practice media session in Los Angeles today, Mitch Kupchak, Lakers general manager, was ecstatic over the recent singings of former Indiana Pacer center Josh McRoberts and 2007 NBA Slam Dunk Champion Gerald Green and thoroughly confused the hell out of reporters.
“To be able to sign two of the league’s premier leapers in one day was special” Kupchak beamed proudly. He continued “As we all know, the new CBA put a lot of new rules into effect, some good and some bad. I, for one, am an optimist and am really excited about one change in particular. Now that slam dunks are going to be worth three points, I can craft a roster to capitalize on that significant rule change.”
Reporters on site were too shocked to respond, so Kupchak plowed on to fill the awkward silence. “Everyone thought I was stupid for trading away Lamar Odom to the team that kicked our ass last year in the playoffs. Lamar is a solid player with a unique skill set, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t dunked since 2005 and the Lakers are moving in a new direction. McRoberts and Green will be dunking for three like crazy all year for us, so this turned out great.”
One journalist, who thought Kupchak was kidding, followed that up with a joke by saying “So the real reason you want Dwight Howard is for the sheer number of dunks the throws down, not his dominating defense?”
Kupchak looked confused when the other reporters laughed and responded. “Dwight’s dunking ability is obviously the main reason we want him. I mean, he’s led the league in dunks since he came into the league. He’s going to be the Ray Allen of three point dunking. But on the other end, we need his defense and shot blocking to help stop other teams from landing three point dunks. I’m really concerned about Blake Griffin, and Dwight solves that problem for us.”
Kupchak went on to talk about other league wide dunking topics, from his disappointment over losing the high flying Shannon Brown to the increased importance of well thrown alley-oops and whether or not JJ Barea could even touch the rim. Kupchak became particularly animated when asked how Kobe Bryant, whose game is not as above the rim as it once was, would fit into this system.
“Sure, he isn’t going to lead the league in dunks, but look who I hired as coach! Mike Brown coached LeBron James to thousands of dunks in Cleveland, and he can do the same here.” Kupchak then pulled out his iPhone and loaded up the video from last year’s playoffs of Bryant dunking over Emeka Okafor as evidence. “See,” he shouted as he held his phone out, “there’s plenty more where that came from!”
Following the video clip, Kupchak smiled and said he was done fielding questions for the day.