The Eagles are seeking a special consultant to assist their offensive-line-coach-turned-defensive-coordinator, and I knew right away just the man for the job: me.
Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has engaged in discussions with the team’s front-office hierarchy on whether to bring in a defensive consultant if the team continues its struggles this week in a key game against the NFC East-leading Washington Redskins, sources told ESPN senior NFL analyst Chris Mortensen. (ESPN)* Now I know, I know, I applied to be the Sixers’ head coach just two years ago, but I feel equally qualified for this position as well. Wish me luck! Here’s my application.
Dear Sir or Madam:
I wish to apply for the position of Consultant to the Defensive Coordinator. Rather than attach my resume—though captaining my co-ed intramural basketball team to three consecutive championship games should certainly be considered—I decided instead to outline just a few of the areas I will impact as your consultant.
Scheme, Deployment, Coverage
I will advise the Defensive Coordinator to put all of the players in a position to succeed as much as possible. For instance, Asomugha, the greatest press corner in the league, is dropping deep off the line far too often, where his unique skill set is unused. He will bump and run every single time if I am your consultant.
There is also the need to put the best players on the field. Given the cornerback situation, a possible solution which I will recommend would be to replace a safety with the third cornerback (against base personnel). Cromartie could be used to cover the tight end, support the run, or play a short zone—all areas of weakness for this defense. It would relieve difficulties for our linebacking corps. Playing single-high safety is a risk worth taking given the team’s struggles against the run and the quality of the corners.
Tackling, Assistant Consultant, Bonuses
As your consultant I will immediately begin the process of improving the team’s tackling performance. I will recruit the nastiest high school coach available as an Assistant Consultant. His job will be to put the unit through its paces with the kind of tackling drills he would use on his own team. This will help bring humility to a franchise known mockingly as the “Dream Team”, and it doesn’t seem it could hurt the tackling. A focus on the fundamentals is called for given the team’s performance against the run.
I would also institute a bounty system, but rather than paying for injuries to the opposing offense, I would pay for proper form tackles. If this is barred by the new CBA then donations can be made to the players’ charities.
I would assist the Head Coach on game day, including assistance with risk assessment, timeout and challenge usage, and clock management. I can rely upon the skills and experience earned during many 4th quarter comebacks in Madden ’96 (SNES), Madden ’07-’10 (PS2/PS3), and Madden ’08 (PC). I would gladly do this without requiring an additional title (such as Coach of Clock Management), for the sake of discretion.
I believe my innovative schemes, reliance upon the best players, focus on fundamentals, and more will allow me to make an impact on the Philadelphia Eagles defense. Thank you for your kind consideration, and I look forward to your response.
*Note: The Eagles deny they’re looking for a consultant, but ESPN reports they are, and there are even rumors that specific people such as Eric Mangini (CBS) have turned down the job.