Last time I wrote, I brought NBA referees answers to their most Frequently Asked Questions. Now it’s time to bring my fellow Americans up to speed on soccer in time for Sunday’s improbable FIFA Confederations Cup Final between USA and Brazil.
Q: This is booooooooooring. When are they gonna score?
A: You’re watching soccer on the wrong channel. Watch it on the Spanish channel and tell me soccer isn’t exciting.
Q: Are soccer players magical? It only takes them 30 seconds to recover from catastrophic inuries.
A: Soccer players aren’t magical. Their doctors are.
Q: Is my TV broken? There’s some weird background noise coming out of my speakers.
A:That’s the sound of music! Don’t worry, foreign sports fans are much better singers than Americans. All we have to show for ourselves is that lame tomahawk chop song and the pre-game national anthem. (PS: Can someone tell me why it’s ok that there’s fire in the stands during that first video? That seems dangerous.)
Q: Why are there 6 different uniform colors on the field?
A: Each team accounts for 2: players and goalies. That’s 4. The referee wears a separate color, so that makes 5. You must be confused; this guy(NSFW) doesn’t count.
Q: This offsides stuff is such a buzzkill.
A: Actually, this HELPS goals get scored. How? Simple. It protects aggressive teams from cherrypickers. Defenders can feel free to come forward into the attack without the threat of a cheap goal falling behind them.
Q: It’s called a tackle, but you’re NOT supposed to touch them? I don’t get it.
A: Yeah, I’m not sure.
Q: Why is everyone stripping and hugging?
A: You made it! The game is over. International soccer matches traditionally end with players displaying their sportsmanship by exchanging jerseys.
USA-Brazil begins this afternoon around 2 PM EST. Warm up your voice, line up your fireworks, take off your jersey, and remember, watch it on the Spanish channel.
*”Aq’s FAQs” title brought to you by the lovely fiancee.