President: Part Three in a Series of Applications to Jobs for which I’m not Qualified and which may not Exist

Reports and rumors have the Sixers looking for a new GM. I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of the player-coach or player-GM, or even a regular fan from the stands stalking the sidelines, and there’s been some tantalizing recent developments in this area. 

The last player-coach worked out alright. (NBA Photos)

The Chicago White Sox considered naming Paul Konerko a player-manager last year. Fans of Drew Carey’s Seattle Sounders will this November hold a retention vote for the general manager.

And there’s a good argument for shaking things up, particularly in the NBA. It’s difficult to say GMs are doing well when teams used the lockout to negotiate for an amnesty provision, which basically says, “We have so many terrible deals on the books that we’re willing to pay players to be on other teams as long as they won’t count against our caps.”

So how about it? Here’s my case for a fan-GM.

Matthew Aquiline
76 Patriot Freedom Drive
Philadelphia, PA 19176
215-555-5555
matthewaquiline@SixersPrez.com
@matthewferox

June 15, 2012

Dear Mr. Joshua Harris, and all others whom it may concern:

I respectfully request your consideration for the Team President position reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer to be open. While you may have my resume on file from my application to replace Eddie Jordan, I’ve enclosed an updated copy. However, I believe—if I may be so bold—that your next President shouldn’t be hired solely for their accolades, their job titles, and their references. The successful candidate must also articulate sound NBA philosophies in their application.

The Administrator "heals the sick world" of bad NBA contracts. (Marvel.com)

That’s not to say I’m unqualified. I believe my resume demonstrates the kind of consistent basketball success which Philadelphia seeks. Having captained an intramural team which appeared in multiple championship games, I have a proven collegiate scouting record. My knack for player projections carried my two most recent fantasy football teams to the semifinals, winning one championship. And my current career as a bureaucrat will prepare me for administrating such a large corporate hierarchy.

But again, I feel that, more than any athletic achievements, championships, or pedigree, my philosophy and plan for the 76ers are the cornerstone of my candidacy.

There are two primary planks to my philosophy:

First: don’t be dumb.

Second: acquire good players.

These may seem obvious, so I’ll illustrate with examples. As your President, I would never trade a high lottery pick, plus a player with only one more year left at $3 million, plus a giant expiring contract, in exchange for the admittedly productive Gerald Wallace only two months before his opt-out (Nets 2012). I can also assure you, I have never drunk-dialed anyone in my life, so there’s very little risk Andre Iguodala would receive awkward midnight phone calls after drowning my team-related troubles (Magic 2011). I would definitely not pay millions for an inefficient scorer who provides little else (NBA 1946-2012).

Stan Van Gundy's "He Wants Me Fired" interview was an instant YouTube Classic. (via CBSSports.com)

The bottom line? Avoid long contracts except for very low prices or for true stars. Avoid inefficient scorers and unproductive players. Don’t give away picks and valuable assets for nothing. Don’t tie up a quarter of the salary cap on bench players or players who should be benched. Don’t be dumb.

That’s the negative. So what is the positive plan of action? Please find it attached. (Saving the Sixers).

(I promise to not give away our secrets like that once I’m hired.)

So I’ve outlined my accomplishments, and my plan of attack. I’ll just close with a quick note.

I’ll be a slam dunk hire! Sorry, I guess you probably heard that one before.

Just promise I can have a nice going-away press conference in 3 years when I achieve the true destiny of any NBA GM or coach: dismissal.

Let’s be honest, I have no leverage here. The other, more established candidates already have cushy front office jobs to fall back on and I don’t. I’m a subway ride away from the Wells Fargo Center so I can’t ask for relocation largess. I just tied down to a house, so you can save your retention bonuses.

To spell it out, I’ll be cheap!

I believe for all of the above reasons, and others, I am the best candidate for this position. Thank you very much for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Matthew Aquiline