Declaration of Fantasy-dependence

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ESPN’s AJ Mass recently wrote a column urging league commissioners to draft constitutions for their leagues in order to facilitate fun and avoid argument.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that my relationship to fantasy football is “More is More”. I usually have about a 160 page color-coded excel spreadsheet for my draft. Not because such a thing is useful, but because it’s fun for me to make one.

So when AJ Mass has another way for me to waste time making a more perfect union fantasy league, I was right there with him.

Here’s the new Constitution for IV Philly, my “home” league.

note: all rules contained below are the actual current rules.


THE CONSTITUTION OF INTERVARSITY PHILLY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Preamble

We the Owners of Intervarsity Philly, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish the run, insure domestic Touchdowns, provide for special teams and defence, promote the general Winning Percentage, and secure the Blessings of Red Gatorade to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for Intervarsity Philly Fantasy Football League.

Article I – The Executive Branch

Section 1 – The League Manager

The executive Power shall be vested in a League Manager of Intervarsity Philly.

Section 2 – Civilian Power over Fellow Civilians

The League Manager shall settle all disputes which shall persist among the other owners after all possible remedies contained in this Constitution shall be exhausted; should the League Manager himself be a part of the dispute then the league shall instead vote on the issue, with the League Manager’s vote breaking a tie.

Section 3 – Note of the League Manager, Convening the Survey

He shall, before the beginning of each season, and from time to time, give to the Owners Information through the League Manager’s Note, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient through the Annual Survey; he may, on extraordinary Occasions, convene all Owners, or some of them, and in Case of Disagreement between them, with Respect to the Time of the Draft, he may adjourn them to such Time as he shall think proper; he shall receive Ambassadors and other fantasy league Ministers; and shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed.

Section 4 – Disqualification

The League Commissioner shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.

Article II – The League Owners

Section 1 – The League

All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in the League Owners. The League Manager shall have broad power to name new Owners to vacancies due to departures from the League or from authorization by the Owners to add Owners.

Section 2 – Membership

No Person shall fill an Owner spot which has not been authorized by the League. When vacancies happen in an Owner’s lineup several weeks, the League shall advise and consent the League Manger as he chuses a replacement of or addition to said Owner’s team. The League Manager shall not otherwise have powers to revoke an Owner.
The League shall have the Power of Impeachment, and shall select a replacement League Manager should he otherwise relinquish Power.
The League shall have the Power to try all Impeachments. When sitting for that Purpose, they shall be on Oath or Affirmation. When the League Manager of Intervarsity Philly is tried, the League Owners shall jointly preside: And the Manager shall not be convicted without the Concurrence of three quarters of the Owners present.

Section 3 – Drafts

The League shall assemble at least once in every Year, and such Meeting shall be before the season starts, on a weekend day or a Friday evening, or a holiday, within one month of the season starting, unless they shall by Law appoint a different Day.

Section 4 – Rules, Journals, Adjournment

The League may determine the Rules of its Proceedings by votes facilitated by the League Manager upon the League’s proposal, punish its Members for disorderly Behavior, and, with the Concurrence of two-thirds, expel a Member.
The League Manager shall keep a website of the League’s Proceedings, and weekly publish the same, excepting such Parts as may in their Judgment require Secrecy; and the Yeas and Nays of the Members of either House on any question shall, at the Desire of one fifth of those Present, be entered on the League Manager’s Note.

Section 5 – Compensation

The winner of the League shall receive a Compensation for his Service, to be a Red Gatorade by Law, and paid out of the Pocket of the League Manager.

Section 6 – Legislative Process

The League, whenever any Owner shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, which shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Owners. Every proposal which has but two choices which shall have been granted Yea by at least half of the Owners shall be ratified unless it has also received the Nay of half of the Owners. Any Proposal which presents the League several alternatives shall be passed in such form as the plurality of League shall grant their Yea. The League Manager shall have broad Power to determine the result of each vote; he shall solicit suggested Proposals prior to an Annual Survey; shall publish such survey and encourage participation; shall enforce the results of the survey; and shall complete all these tasks more than one week prior to the draft.

Section 7 – Powers of the League

The League shall have Power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises in order to pay for food at the draft or at other gatherings and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of Intervarsity Philly; but all Duties, Imposts and Excises shall be uniform throughout Intervarsity Philly, or those present, and shall be administered by the League Manager or a delegate thereof;
To declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water;
To provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the League, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions;
To make all Laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into Execution the foregoing Powers, and all other Powers vested by this Constitution in the Government of Intervarsity Philly.

Article III – Supremacy, Ratification, and the Reserve Clause

This Constitution shall be the supreme Law of the League; and the Owners in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Standard Rules or Laws thereof to the Contrary notwithstanding. The rules not delimited by the Constitution are reserved to the Standard Rules. Until such point as Ratification shall have occurred, all prior rules, understandings, methods, and policies shall not be displaced.
This Constitution shall be effective immediately upon Ratification by eight of the Owners of the League.

Article IV – Gameplay

Section 1 – Schedule

The weekly schedule shall be determined at random by the League Manager in a manner Fair and Consistent. The length of the schedule and the playoffs, and the division of the League into divisions or the unity thereof, shall be determined by the League.

Section 2 – Results

The result of a game is a win or a loss. A regular season game may also end in a tie. A win or loss is determined by the total score of the starting lineup of each team. Should this result be the same, and the game be a playoff game, the tie shall be decided. The highest Collective Bench score shall determine the winner. Should the tie persist, the following categories shall be applied. The highest scoring individual Starter is the next tiebreaker, followed by Total Points from the regular season, Total Points from the full season to the current time, the most wins by the players’ real teams, “Overtime players”, Total points less the defense and special teams, total points during the week prior, the highest seeded team, the highest scoring kicker, Touchdowns Scored by the Starters, and should the tie illogically still persist, the lowest scoring starter shall decide the game.

Section 3 – Playoff Owners

The playoff seeding shall be determined by Overall Win Percentage. Should there be two or more teams bearing the same win percentage, then, total points shall decide the tie, and should the tie continue, then, head to head record. Should there be a stalemate, Total Points for the later half of the season determines the higher seed, then Points less the defense and special teams, then the Best Individual Player, and finally the tie shall be broken by the Best score in the final regular season week.

Section 4 – Starting Lineup

Each team may start a quarterback, two backs which are running backs, two wide receivers, one tight end, one kicker, and one collective defense and special teams unit. Each team, in addition, may start one more player, and this player shall be a running back or a wide receiver. A team may retain seven additional players on its Bench, and another additional player on Injured Reserve.

Section 5 – Scoring

The scoring shall be posted to the ESPN website and any deviances from the Standard Rules shall have been voted upon by the League.
The scoring currently in effect at the time of ratification shall be the scoring as of ratification.

Section 6 – Playoffs

The format of the playoffs shall be voted upon by the League in the annual Survey.

Section 7 – Draft

The Draft shall be a Snake Draft; the League shall draft according to a completely random order as determined by the League Manager, and they shall chuse their players, respectively, and in alternating rounds, in the reverse order. And any Owner who shall draft a kicker, where it is not the last round, shall therefore be mocked.

Section 8 – Waiver Wire

All players who are not on a team, after the draft shall have occurred, shall be free agents to be acquired by any Owner, shall he so chuse. However, from the beginning of each game of a player’s team, he shall be on waivers until such time as Waivers have been cleared, which shall be early Thursday morning. And Players on Waivers may be chosen by the Owners, respectively, in the order opposite to the order in which they have drafted, but any Owner who does so chuse such a player shall forfeit his Place in the Order of Waivers, and shall be therefore Last.
Done in Solitude by the Unilateral Consent of the League Manager present with his lovely Wife and Vice President of Common Sense on the Twenty Seventh Day of July in the Year of our Lord two thousand and Ten and of Intervarsity Philly Fantasy Football League the Fifth. In Witness whereof I have hereunto subscribed my Name.

M. Aquiline – League Manager and deputy from University City.

Matt Aquiline - I mean what I write, except when it's wrong--then it was satire. I'm not far along towards my great aspirations. My many interests include sports, satire, religion, reading, politics, privacy, music, married life, and alliteration. - Follow him on Twitter here

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  • J-Yo

    You define the phrase “over the top” – I look forward to a more democratic and harmonious fantasy season.

  • I'll include ratification as one of the questions in the Annual Survey!

  • Clbhf

    wow I love it

  • Mattaquiline

    thank you!

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